Is it just me, or have we all just got really good at filling our days with everything but the things that honour what our soul wants and what we feel, deep down, we were intended to do with our time here?
I feel like I’m drifting at the moment - distracted, doing lots of little bitty things, keeping busy, making progress in lots of areas - but I’m beginning to see that’s the problem.
I intentionally created space in my diary this year for more creativity, and now that I’ve got the space, I don’t know how to be with it.
I say be because, let’s face it, we all know what to do with space - we fill it!
Deep down, I do know how to be with it, but I’m not allowing myself the opportunity to feel this expansiveness of space.
There is plenty I can, and am, filling my time with other than what it was intended for, and that’s annoying me.
I can see the problem.
I’m doing everything but the thing I thought I’d be doing.
I’m getting frustrated and impatient. I know I should pause to notice these emotions when they arise because they are two very clear signs I’m out of alignment with myself.
I created space this year so that I could create and write more.
I want to complete my next book.
Instead, I’ve filled my time doing anything but the creative work that will bring it to life.
I seem to want to avoid being still, sitting in silence, and allowing my mind to ponder what needs to be shared and learned.
I seem to want to avoid long, leisurely walks on the beach, letting my mind expand through more time in nature and receiving the inspiration that often comes when you’re present with being.
I seem to insist on sitting at my desk all day when I’m not with clients, then get agitated because of my lack of progress toward my dreams.
We’ve all been conditioned to do more. Being more seems to be a problem I never imagined myself experiencing.
It’s rather annoying.
It seems really silly to fill my time doing more at my desk when I’ve intentionally created space to be - even more so when I have access to a beautiful coastline right on my doorstep.
I’m addicted to being productive. Perhaps you are too?
But I’m beginning to understand that creativity isn’t sparked through output - it’s sparked through play.
I’ve been unconsciously, and now consciously, avoiding writing my next book, The Identity Trap - the irony being that the book I want to write addresses the very identity trap I’m caught in.
The identity of proving, performing, of being productive.
It’s an identity that’s served me well for many years, and now letting myself surrender the layers of my past identity so I can step into my future identity is challenging me in ways I never imagined.
I didn’t realise I would need to calibrate my nervous system to hold the bigness of my future dreams. I assumed my nervous system being regulated was just about managing stress, but it appears that our nervous systems have to be able to hold our wildest imaginings too.
It explains why I seem to kibosh (love that word!) anything that gets me closer to becoming the kind of author I dream of being - the one capable of writing a message that moves people deeply.
The kind of author that names truths others feel but haven’t dared to say out loud.
The kind of author that embodies their work because they don’t just write and share their message through words, they become the message through their actions, living it fully.
That’s the work I’m doing - I’m slowly freeing myself from the identity traps that keep me safe in what’s familiar, but hold me apart from my big visions and dreams.
How I see myself today isn’t particularly relevant to the identity of the person I want to become.
Holding on to one identity is, unfortunately, stopping me from embracing another.
And I get it - it’s hard enough to do on your own, but when you’ve got the expectations of who others think you are, it can be even harder to be okay with not owning any one identity.
Choosing to become someone I’ve never been before is scary, but I know for sure there is a ripple effect in choosing a life in alignment with who you are and being unafraid to express yourself fully in service of your higher self.
That’s my work right now - to be with the stillness, the space, and the uncertainty that comes with choosing a vision bigger than I am.
This is me choosing alignment and stepping toward my vision, one step at a time.
This is me choosing not to hide myself away and tell myself my goal is futile. This is me showing up again when I’ve realised that self-abandonment is a pattern I still need to break.
If you’re feeling the same - frustrated, impatient, and like you’re circling in one spot - don’t be hard on yourself. Take a moment to accept where you are and choose to start again.
The future we want requires us to start many more times than we stop.
Keep going and keep growing.
We’ve got this!
Love,
Glin x
